50 Shades of Grey Review


Look you know the story so I won’t recap it, but suffice to say the film chops out a lot of the rubbish from the book. No inner godness mumbo jumbo, no annoying monologues, no weird blonde resentment and, most importantly I feel, Christian doesn’t break the safe word code at the end. Unforuntely they leave in the wine backwash…ew just ew. Hey film are you trying to make Christian less creepy and Ana less of a drip? Cause bravo you did it. That’s not to say this is a cinematic masterpiece but it’ll fit nicely in my rom-com, rom-thriller section of my DVD collection.

To give you a little perspective, I didn’t hate the books, I’ve laughed at them sure and enjoyed a scene or two from them because lets be real it’s just literary porn, badly written literary porn but porn all the same. I’m also a feminist but once again I’m not running with the idea that these books promote domestic abuse. I like Pulp Fiction but it doesn’t inspire me to carry a watch in a very uncomfortable place. Audiences, in my opinion, are not sponges simply soaking up whatever they see on screen with no control or reasoning abilities to not simply go out and recreate what they see.

So from there lets say I only wanted a few things going in: to see some BDSM on the main screen and have a good giggle. Tick and tick my friend. Part of the fun was watching Rhys cringe and there were lots of opportunities to cringe, I forced him to watch it MUHAHAHAHA. “My mother was a crack-whore” was greatly improved upon in the film chopped up and reworded to be a lot more realistically said but there’s not getting away from the rest of the dialogue being truly weird.

Rhys after watching 50 shades


I was going to see this no matter what because it’s directed by a woman and Hollywood needs to recognize that women directors make money and then they’ll give out more chances, those cantankerous old white dudes. [see Ridley Scott can’t finance a movie unless the leads are white bull****]

Yes Rita Ora is only in it for 90 seconds apparently and even then she’s very much in the background, so well done for squeezing all you could outta that opportunity Rita!

Yes Jamie Dornan isn’t my cup of aesthetic tea and his accents slips a couple of times into Irish but that’s early in the film so I’ll forgive.

BUT “Holy Cow!” Ana [Dakota Johnson] is so dorky and sweet and cute and she seems properly weirded out at times as she should but also not so fricking naive as the book Ana. Yeah Dakota for the win.

What I think a lot of people are missing is that here is a film that has brought back sex scenes to Hollywood, long drawn out sex scenes. Will this become a new trend, the revived erotic romance soon to be erotic thriller in the sequels once she gets kidnapped? Either way it’s not a favourite but like a tin of Ronseal, it does what it says on the tin. What did you think?

I know a lot of my mates are gonna read this and die inside, but hey it’s just a bit of fun right?


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